Jerry Springer: Omae o Korosu
by Heather MacCloud
Summary: YAOI... I wrote this after I heard Heero and Relena got married, it was just in a DJ, but this is still a funny fic. R&R, PLEASE?


Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam, if I did Relena would've been squished by the building before Heero could save her or Duo would've shot Heero in the lower arm to make him pull the trigger, not drop the gun. So don't sue me, I barely have enough money to feed my fish, and you wouldn't wanna starve my poor fish would you? I also don't own Jerry Springer, if I did I'd be a millionaire and you could sue me all you wanted.

Jerry: We have a real treat for you today folks. Here today, we have Heero Yuy. Camera pans to Heero sitting on the stage in that green tank top and black spandex shorts he always wears Well, Heero, you married Relena Peacecraft a few months ago, right?

Heero: nods

Jerry: And now you have something to tell her?

Heero: nods

Jerry: pauses, waiting for Heero to explain, when he realizes he's not going to, goes on Well then, let's bring Miss Relena out.

Heero: nods

Relena comes out wearing an outfit like her school uniform and sits down next to Heero

Jerry: Heero, you have something to say to Relena?

Relena: Heero?

Heero: turns to face her "I have a confession to make on Springer" style Remember when we first met, I promised I would kill you?

Relena: Yes, Heero.

Heero: pulls out a gun from god only knows where in those spandex shorts Now I'll keep that promise.

Jerry: But, but what about the other guest? As if on cue Duo comes strutting out in the black outfit he wears on the TV show and french kisses Heero, who manages to keep the gun on Relena

Relena: getting a small clue Heero, what's going on?

Heero: I'm going to kill you.

Duo: Then Heero and me are goin' back to the colonies.

Relena: attacks Duo Why you BEEEEP!

Relena and Duo roll around on the floor fighting and cursing, Heero keeps the gun pointed at Relena

Crowd: Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

Duo kicks Relena off of him, before she can tackle him again, Jerry security guards grab her and Heero fires the gun. Relena slumps lifelessly to the floor

Jerry: But he said it was a water gun!

Duo stands up and he and Heero sit down in two of the chairs

Heero: as the guards drag Relena's body away I told you I'd kill you.

Commercial break

Jerry: Welcome back folks, we just got done talking with Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell. camera pans to Heero and Duo. They're in the middle of a heated make-out session Duo has Heero's shirt off and has one down Heero's pants, Heero alternating between trying to stop Duo and coaxing Duo on Umm, Let's bring out our next guest, shall we? Camera pans to Trowa walking out on stage in his green turtleneck and jeans, Trowa sits down Trowa, why don't you tell us why you're here.

Trowa: I have something to tell Cathy.

Jerry: Cathy is your girlfriend? Trowa doesn't answer, Jerry waits for an answer then sighs Let's bring out Cathy then. Cathrine comes out wearing her slut outfit (those cothes from the "Trowa has amnesia" eps) She goes over and gives Trowa a big hug and kisses his cheek

Crowd: AAAAAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

Jerry: Hi, Cathrine.

Cathrine: Hi, Jerry. The whole circus loves your show.

Jerry: Why thank you Cathrine. You and Trowa are a couple, right?

Cathrine: Well, not really. Trowa's more like a little brother to me.

Jerry: Looks confused Umm, Trowa, you brought Cathrine here to tell her something, what is it?

Trowa: Cathy, I…

Cathrine: Trowa, wait, I have something to tell you first. crowd preps for a steamy confession Trowa, you're my brother.

Trowa: Cathy…

Cathrine: I mean it, Trowa you're my baby brother Triton Bloom. Trowa looks shock then the two hug, the crowd Awws again. Jerry's off camera, beating his head against the wall Now, what did you want to tell me, Trowa?

Trowa: Cathy, I know you don't like him, but… pauses I'm in love with Quatre.

Cathrine: What?!

Jerry: Let's bring out Quatre Winner. Quatre comes out wearing that god-awful pink shirt and kaki pants. He goes up to Trowa and the two share a passionate kiss then Trowa whispers what Cathrine told him to Quatre

Quatre: Teary-eyed Really? Trowa nods and the two sit down

Cathrine: You're not seriously in love with him. Trowa he tried to kill you.

Trowa: He was insane at the time, it was Zero's fault, not his. Cathrine huffs Cathy, you're my sister you should be happy for me.

Quatre: all 29 of my sisters are happy for me.

Jerry: You have 29 sisters?!

Quatre: Well, most of them are half sisters.

Cathrine: Trowa, you know I don't like you around those other pilots you could get hurt.

Trowa and Quatre: But the war's over!!

Commercial break (during the commercial break Quatre starts to kiss Trowa on the neck. The two go backstage)

Jerry: We're back folks today we're talking with Trowa Barton, or is it Triton Bloom? Quatre Winner, and Cathrine Bloom. Cathrine just revealed that Trowa is really her long lost brother and Trowa confessed his love for Quatre. Camera pans to where Trowa, Quatre, and Cathrine are supposed to be, only Cathrine remains Umm, where'd they go?

Cathrine: They went backstage.

Camera goes backstage after Trowa and Quatre, it finds them in the green room. Trowa is in nothing but his boxers and Quatre has his shirt and vest off. They're kissing passionately, Quatre has a hand in Trowa's boxers and Trowa is trying to remove Quatre's pants. Scene changes back to the stage, Jerry is completely red faced

Jerry: Let's bring out the next guest now. the camera pans to Trieze walking onto the stage wearing his normal Trieze-type outfit, he waves to the crowd and sits down Trieze, Why exactly are you here today?

Trieze: I have come to tell my lover I've been unfaithful.

Jerry: Okay, then, let's bring him out. Wufei comes out in his Wufei garb and sits down next to Trieze Wufei, How long have you and Trieze been a couple?

Wufei: A couple?

Trieze: We've been having relations since I came back from the dead.

Jerry: And was Wufei the one that saved your life?

Trieze: No one saved my life. I died fighting my best friend, Milliardo Peacecraft. One day I was dead, the next I'm back at the Romifeller Foundation.

Jerry: Interesting, now Trieze you have something to tell Wufei?

Trieze: Wufei, I wish to end our relationship. I've found a new lover.

Wufei: This is INJUSTICE!!!! Who is it?!

Jerry: hoping to start a fight on the stage Let's bring her out! Lady Une comes out, wearing nice business-woman-type outfit

Wufei: Well, if that is the case, then we will end this relationship. I have someone that treats me better anyway.

Jerry: And who would that be?

Wufei: Nataku.

Trieze: horrified You mean… you and… that thing… have…

Jerry: Let's bring out Nataku!

Cameraman: Jerry, we can't. It won't fit in the building.

Jerry: confused well, then get a camera on it.

Cameraman: sighs okay, Jerry. Camera goes out to the parking lot where the Altron Gundam is parked

Jerry: You and THAT are… Jerry faints

Sound clip of Jerry: We'll be right back with the final thought.

Commercial break

Jerry: now recovered Everyone that appears on this show has some problem or another, even the Gundam pilots. Many of those problems have been solved today. Heero and Trowa can be with the men the love (if you can use the word love and Heero in the same sentence) Trieze is both alive and with the girl of his dreams, and then there's Wufei. Wufei, there's a counselor in the back that would like to talk to you. 


End file.
